Welcome to the sex rut, just don't stay too long
Every Friday morning I visit a local coffee shop with my laptop in hand and as soon as I arrive I beeline for my favourite spot, a soft worn leather armchair nestled in a cosy corner by a small circular table.
So you can imagine my exasperation when I arrived just a short while ago to find my favourite spot was occupied. Some woman was sitting in MY. CHAIR. The nerve! Of course, I displayed exemplary adult behaviour and simply ordered my coffee with a smile, burned holes in the back of the trespassing woman’s head with my dangerously dark death stares and walked to the vastly inferior armchair at the other end of the café, closer to the door and next to a massive window. Crazy I know, who would want fresh air and natural light? Not me. When I’m working I need to feel like I’m trapped in a cosy bunker.
(Oh my god, someone just opened the door! The fresh winter air is lashing at my bare ankles. THE PAIN!)
Moving right along…
We are creatures of habit. We like things the way we like ‘em. I have a sneaking suspicion I’m somewhat of a control freak but aren’t we all, in some ways, unable to manoeuvre ourselves out of our moulds that we create for the love of it? The little things we do constantly because they make us feel safe/mature/weird/unique/hipster or in my case, effective because my way is always the goddam right way! Even the spontaneous are habit dwellers in their obsession with spontaneity. Just like The Eagles preached “you can’t kill the beast”.
There’s nothing wrong with routine or habit unless it makes you want to turn to the happy pills. Enter the doldrum that can be long-term relationship sex. The ho-hum instead of the wham bam that creeps up on you when you’ve inadvertently developed your own sex routine with your long term love. If you’re experiencing this in the early stage of a new relationship then get the hell out now!
The lulls that come with your long-term squeeze are totally inevitable, completely normal. It happens to everyone. It’s the way you handle it that will ultimately decide whether you continue down Disconnect Road or reinvent yourself as the sex goddess you’ve always truly been.
The best way to develop any habit is to start off small. Change it up just a little. Don’t pressure yourself to go to drastic measures because lasting, effective change is measured by the repetition of incremental changes.
So what to do? Firstly, you need to make sex a priority. All too often we say “but I don’t have time”, you do have time, you just choose not to use it having sex. Reconnecting with your significant other is one of the most rewarding things you can do right now if you find yourself in a sex rut or feeling distant. It’s well known that sex releases endorphins, gives us more energy and a glow.
Don’t just say to your other “let’s go have sex now”, instead plan and pick a night or an afternoon or a morning, whatever works with your schedules. Set aside two hours of uninterrupted time (that’s right no phones, folks!) and agree that most of that time won’t be spent having penetrative sex.
Decide on a space that is clean, clear of clutter, the bedroom is the obvious choice. Light some candles or some incense. Got a tub? Take a bath or have a shower together. Kiss, use feathers or whipsor ice cubes or silk blindfolds, get to know every inch of your partner’s body. Make it your mission to learn something new about your partner.
Try introducing or using your favourite toys (make sure they are charged and/or in reach). Communicate. Use food, mirrors and music. Prepare a light, healthy meal together, feed each other. Reconnect. Communicate. Reconnect. And do not turn on the tv or reach for the phone.
And as for my dire cafe situation? A storm has hit, the windows are peppered with fat raindrops and my panoramic sky views have given me front row seats to an awesome lightning and hail storm. Seriously, I am not making this up (see dodgy photo below!). If that ain’t a metaphor for the possibility and opportunity of change, then I don’t know what is.
Disclaimer: The winter air is still a bitch and next week I’ll be heading back to my old faithful in the cosy corner but like I said, baby steps. Itty bitty baby steps.