Everything you know about sex is wrong

Were you ever told when you were younger that sex wasn't something meant to be discussed, that it was inappropriate? But you persisted in questioning anyway and you were finally spun some line about how it was something like kissing with no clothes on? That was enough to make you grow coy and shut up for a little while.

And then you got a bit older and your curiosity ripened and you learnt the definition of sex from somewhere, maybe it was from friends or at school where they taught you that sex is really only about two things - offspring or avoiding the itch.

And then you got a bit older than that and you learnt a little more about sex from google, porn or online forums or hardcover books (remember those) or ol' school playboys you skimmed from the top shelf of a magazine stand. 

And by the age of 16 you knew all there was to know about sex, that it starts with a blow job and ends with a cum shot. You knew what it should feel like, how you should act, what you should wear, the exact intonation of the "ooh's" and the "argh's", but because you hadn't had sex yet you practiced fucking a pillow because you told yourself that sex was a skill you must master by the time you let a guy thrust his semi-erect penis into you a handful of times before he came and you lay there stunned and wondering what all the fuss was about and how on earth you were going to get the grass stains off the back of your new dress.

And somehow you dated guys who seemingly shared the same guide book and believed that the size of their cock was the key to great sex and as long as they followed the exact sequence of the latest porn clip they watched they will be able to make you cum in 8:23 minutes and be considered a real sex god.

And because you believed the exact sequence of the latest porn clip you watched was how sex should be then you started to think there was something wrong with you when you failed to cum within 8:23 minutes but you let out the loudest groan anyway because that's what you should do.

And because you let out an award-winning groan first time around you later struggled to voice any concerns or desires, in fact you just didn't talk to your lover about how to make sex better because how on earth would you bring that one up without admitting the groans were actually for show?

And while you may have found pleasure in masturbation,  sex with your other became a weird half-way act between a chore and the biggest stage show of your life. And it never felt quite right. Surely there must have been something wrong with you because those chicks on those pornos have out-of-this-world orgasms just by looking at a hairy cock.

And none of your friends seemed to share your problem, they were all dating guys hung like giant waxy baubles and having intense synchronised playboy-worthy orgasms. So where on earth was your "cum now" button?

And so you just went along knowing something wasn't quite right but hey, you weren't going to say anything about it because that would just be weird and it would confirm what you already suspected; that your clitoris was depressed or that you were crap in the sack or that you were unattractive or that your vagina smelt and if you were really lucky you'd believe all four to be true.

Then maybe you met someone and you had your first proper *no pretend groan* orgasm and you finally decided that being sexually satisfied was important to you. Or maybe you were just so sick of not having good sex and you decided enough was enough. You started to question everything you'd been told, everything you'd learnt.

You decided that maybe sex was more than just about procreation and gonorrhoea and expecting your sexual partner to have a mastery in mind reading. And you started to wonder. And you started to question. And then you realised that most of what you'd known sex to be was a big bucketload of bullshit.