SPANK DAT ASS
MANY OF US love the idea of getting or giving a good spanking but most of us also go in completely clueless, delivering a hard smack straight up with little knowledge of how to have a mind-blowing spanking experience (yep, you guessed it, going straight in for the slap is a bad move, not a BAD* move). Below is our definitive guide to spanking. Follow these 10 steps and you’ll have a whole knew appreciation for the delight of pleasure and pain that a simple slap of the hand can offer.
1. THE ROLES
Bad news, gals. I know there’s a few of you on here who are single but if you want to be spanked you’re going to need two of you.
One to play the “submissive” (sub) or the “bottom” (i.e. the person being spanked) and the other to dominate with the spanking hand.
As with everything, don’t just assume how your spanking scene is going to play out, you want to firstly decide which parts you’re both playing and you want to feel comfortable in your choice. Both parts are turn-ons in many ways: the submissive gets pleasurable pain and anticipation from spanking and the dominant partner gets the power trip.
2. BABY'S GOT LIMITS
Most of you will be interested in Good Girl Spanking which is playful, light and erotic. IT'S used as foreplay or during sex but it isn’t a stand alone activity like Bad Girl Spanking.
Unless you’re an experienced dom, stick to the good girl spanking for now. There is a lot to master in this kind of experience before moving on to the more heavy stuff. In both situations you’re going to have limits; things you just do not want to do. And honey, if you don’t want to do it then you don’t want to do it. Full stop. Do not under any circumstances feel pressured.
Get into the habit of discussing your limits before you start any play. You’ll have soft limits which you’re not sure about but willing to try and hard limits which are those you’ll definitely never want to try.
3. SAFE WORDS, SAFE PLAY
As you’re learning what each other wants, you’ll likely experiment which is all part of the fun, as long as you both understand what’s accepted and what’s not.
You won’t have any awkward moments if you’ve discussed your limits beforehand and continue communicating all the way through.The dom should be regularly checking in and instead of saying “oh honey, I’m fine, how are you?”, develop some safe words.
You can use traffic light colours as your safe words. If the sub says "green" it means "go harder, baby", yellow means it's all good but don't use much more force. And "red"? Well, you guessed it. "Red" means "stop right now, I need a break and we need to reevaluate."
If you want different words then get creative but use a word that doesn’t slip into your normal playtime. “Stop” isn’t a good one because we often use this teasingly during hot sex.
4. PLAY ZONES & NO ZONES
There are parts of the body that just don’t like being spanked. Backs of knees, spine and lower back bone are out of play, my friend, until you’re a pro and know how to handle them.
Safe places are usually those with a lot of muscle or fat. If you’re like me, your butt will be a well padded airbag for slapping (roller skates, here I come). Your thighs are the same and these two places are where the fun happens anyway.
Steer clear of the sides of the hips and watch the inner thighs are these are hyper sensitive and can be quite painful as well as places like the spine. There’s a whole art to master by just spanking the buttocks so keep it simple and start here. Plus, you can cause physical and mental damage if you don’t know what you’re doing.
The diagram below shows the play zones and the no zones in detail. Your dom has homework!
5. PLACES, PLEASE
Now your armed with the knowledge of how to make your spanking scene play out well. So let the fun begin.
Decide how you want to be spanked or if you’re really getting into the submissive role in an Elizabeth Bennett/Mr Darcy style you could ask “Sir, how I am to receive my punishment in this fine hour?” WTF does Pride and Prejudice remind me of spanking?!
Anyway, over-the-knee is a time honoured classic and it’s an easy pose. Simply stand between your partners legs (facing left if your partner is right-handed, right if they are left handed). Bend over their thigh and they can keep you in place by locking their other leg around yours legs. The bonus of this position as opposed to say laying flat on a bed is that their non-spanking hand if placed over your tailbone can help support and stop you from trying to evade your punishment.
6. MASSAGE & CARESS
We are not at school being caned. We do not want a series of hard whacks straight up just as we don’t want a hard penis going into a dry PUSSY SANS LUBE OR SOME DECENT FOREPLAY.
Any type of smacking or whacking is going to damage the skin. You know what it’s like when you whack the side of your leg on a table on a drunken night out and come up with a bruise the size of two inflamed testicles.
If you’re just getting into spanking it can be difficult for the novice dom to contain their excitement and they may be tempted to go in for a hard whip straight up but the butt needs some loving attention. It needs warming up. A dom needs to spend a little time massaging and caressing. This also adds to the excitement and anticipation.
7. SOFTLY, SOFTLY
Spanking is best at first if the palms are kept flat and the fingers together. Start lightly with staccato slaps, ROTATING EVENLY BETWEEN THOSE MILKY MOUNDS.
You’re trying to get the blood to rise to the surface, this is what gives it a tingling glow. You want the dom to create tension, excitement and anticipation because this is when your adrenalin and dopamine levels speed up.
Between a slap, the hand should hover above the skin. Your dom can also caress your peachy ass after each slap or series of slaps. As the famed BDSM master Phillip Miller says: “You can hold a whole conversation between palm and fanny (he means butt btw)
Just because your partner is focused on your butt doesn’t mean they can’t pay attention to other places of your body. They can kiss your pussy, breasts, arms, anywhere they know turns you on. Tease and command, baby.
8. RHYTHM & INTENSITY
Rhythm is incredibly helpful in many areas when it comes to play time and spanking is especially respective to some good beats.
Erotic cinematographer Erika Lust recommends using the command: “you’ve been a bad, bad, bad girl” with a spank on every “bad”. As your dom gets into it they’ll find their own rhythm (unless they are tone deaf like my partner).
Building intensity should only come when you’re receptive to it. If you don’t like the warm up and you’re not getting into the spanking then use your safe word to stop it. If you’re enjoying it, your body language and moans should be enough of a signal to your partner that they can hit a little harder. Of course, they should be regularly checking in too, this is the only way to ensure you're happy to build on the intensity.
9. FUN & FOCUS
If you’ve ticked all the boxes in preparing for your spanking session (limits, safe words and communication) then this should BE an ENJOYABLE erotic experience.
You want to find a nice balance between taking it seriously and having fun. The best sex and intimate experiences are usually those in which we’re fully immersed, those in which we pay attention. We’re not busy thinking about something else, we’re focusing, we’re really getting into it.
You may have heard the term “subspace” thrown about when it comes to BDSM activities. This is an altered state of consciousness that a sub can achieve through types of BDSM play such as spanking. It is a true chemical rush of endorphins, a natural high, it's similar to what you experience when you meditate, except this one comes with a sore arse. If you've had a particularly good spanking session, you may very well experience subspace. Keep in mind everyone experiences it differently but you'll know.
10. COMING DOWN
It’s likely that if you enjoy your spanking, you’ll want to fuck the brains out of your partner. hell yes!
Whichever way you choose to end your spanking scene, you may feel a range of different emotions. A first time experience with anything can be very confronting, there is no way of knowing what it's going to bring up for you and to be honest even people experienced with BDSM experience a whole range of emotions following a scene. We're not robots, we can have fucked up days and we can have good days. We can feel elated and then want to reach for the Prozac. It's just part of being a human.
You may find after you've been spanked that you feel dirty or degraded, you may experience a hefty emotional release and vulnerability or you could feel a sense of euphoria (the subspace I mentioned above) and grab your calendar to schedule in your next spanking scene. However you feel, remember that it is ok. Let it be what's it's going to be, just roll with it.
I advise against getting a good spanking, then a good fuck from behind and then an abrupt departure. It's important that you spend time together afterward, holding and kissing and doing whatever romantic activities that make you feel safe and loved. If it involves curling up in bed with your lover and a big fat tub of ice cream then do it, baby, do it.
The Virgin Files
Our very first sexual encounter may have been messy, good, embarrassing, fun, painful, frightening, the list goes on. For many of us it's a big deal and we can feel really alone. So we created the Virgin Files, a snapshot of our first sexual encounters. We'd love you to submit yours. Submissions are published every Friday.
OTHER BAD* RANTS YOU MAY HAVE MISSED