You know what’s funny? When I was very young, my mumma told me that sex was “kissing with no clothes on”. This was the safe definition, she decided. She thought that the whole snake in bush analogy would’ve frightened the shit out of me!
But you know what? I think my mamma was onto something because the snake in the bush as a standalone activity can be well, somewhat boring.
In my view, penetrative sex, that is penetration of the "vagina with the penis" is just one definition and one part of sex. For way too long, it’s been the main attraction. The actual term “foreplay” goes to prove my point. It refers to the things that we do before intercourse meaning it precedes the main act but here’s the thing - all those seemingly inconsequential things that come before the climax are equally important. Majority of women (like 75% of us!) only orgasm through clitoral stimulation and unfortunately, the peen don’t have too close a relationship with the clit.
So let’s throw this conventional definition of sex out and start to think a little differently. Let’s think of sex as the whole experience. Let’s think of it as starting even before the “kissing with no clothes on” begins. Your sexual experience starts with the setting of a time and place, it’s setting up your room, it’s the showering, bathing, dressing up, actual playtime and it’s the time after. It’s the entrée, main and dessert. It ain’t just a sausage in a bun finale.
Sex this way is wonderfully inclusive. It invites all your body’s wonderful parts to the play. Your toes, your back, your hands will no longer be bitchin' on your boobs, clit and your vulva because they’ll be invited too. It’s like a beautiful body orgy.
Redefining sex also helps us to put everything into perspective and it helps us to broaden the definition of sex outside of your traditional heterosexual partnerships.
Redefining sex allows us to take some of the importance off what we’ve always been told that sex is. The pressure to perform! It allows us to create a much richer experience so that even if you don’t orgasm you still have immense satisfaction.
I noticed that when I started to think differently about "sex", I started to enjoy myself more. When I took the focus off penetration, and started creating longer sexual experiences that focused on all the senses and all the sensitive parts of the body, things went to the next level.
So how do you put it in practice? Well here are some things you can do to up the ante and take the focus off penetration. All the following involve no touching but go along way to arousing. It's also important to note that the following applies to self-play too, not just play with a partner. Taking the time just for yourself is so very important.
Set a sex date || Some feel that this takes the passion and spontaneity out of sex but it really doesn't. Setting a time and place just means that you're committing to dedicating some time to be with your other or just yourself. It also helps avoid a quickie. Don't get me wrong, quickies have their place but truly unforgettable sexual experiences are often much longer and more involved than a quickie.
Choose your setting || If you find you have sex the same way in the same setting then it can be really fun to mix it up, especially if you're wanting to try some new things. Maybe the cupboard under the stairs or on the outdoor table?
Select your mood enhancer || Firelight, moonlight, candlelight, torch light? Harsh overhead lighting is just that, harsh. Candles and dim/mood lighting go a long way to relaxing, exciting and enticing, whether you are indulging in self-love or sex with someone else.
To dress or not to dress || I always want to wear something. I don’t start off naked because there’s something so satisfying about being hard to get to. If I'm with my partner I'll wrap myself up in lingerie, harnesses or even a silk or cotton gown, something that you can seductively take off. If I'm on my own I also focus on undressing myself as part of my own self-play. Being clothed before play begins creates anticipation and heightens your excitement.
Choose your tunes || I really like music in the background. I have playlists that I listen to. Once again it just creates an ambience but also because you're going to the trouble of setting up a scene for your play time, you're less likely to rush it and more likely to saviour the moments. You're essentially creating a sacred space in which to play. I also like to listen to certain songs during masturbation especially if you're being transported back to a place or into a fantasy.
Get your kit out || Confession: I have two drawers full of toys and props because I like to play with toys and props. They are fun and they feel good (I'll go into more detail about these in a while). If you do play with toys and props make sure they are ready (i.e. if you play with vibrators then have them fully charged). I also have my other props in reach so on a bedside table if we're in the bedroom or just somewhere close by. Same goes for condoms, cock rings and lube, have them at the ready! I always find it annoying when I go to reach for my whip and I've left it in the drawer!
Nom nom nom || Some people like to add food to their play. I enjoy it because it's another way to prolong ejaculation and heighten the senses. Curries and McDonald's are reserved for Netflix. I generally opt for fresh berries and chocolate, something with contrasting flavours like bitter and sweet. The aim of it all is to try to bring your often-neglected senses alive. Pick whatever nourishment you like and think of creative ways to introduce them to your play time.
So hopefully the above has given you some food for thought (haha). I highly recommend you pick just one of the above ideas and focus on it the next time you have sex. If you don't usually schedule sex then give it a go, see whether it makes a difference to how you feel about the experience. If you've never played with food as a way of heightening your senses then try that. Or pick a new location in which to play.
Whatever you do, the aim of BAD* Sex is to encourage you to broaden your experience, to have fun and embrace the journey always in a safe, sane and consensual way.
BAD* Sex is very much about the personal so if you would like to chat privately with me about this particular topic or you have any other questions about anything else, I would love to chat - firstname.lastname@example.org