The self needs self-love
So here's the thing which kinda sucks, 75% of us gals are only capable of achieving orgasm through stimulation of the beautiful bean (aka clit). And yet, most guys achieve orgasm by penetration. Kind of a great divide, wouldn't you say?!
Many couples will kiss, partake in some oral sex and then aim for the sausage in the bun finale. I mean, this is what all traditional porn tells us sex should be! I spent a lot of my early 20s thinking this was as it should be because we learn from our teen years that sex is all about penetration but for me personally, it is just the icing on the cake.
We believe good sex is all about inclusion - inviting the entire body to the fun park - but before we invite all our friends, let's hone in on the magical clitoris/chickpea/magic button/nubbin/hot spot/sugared almond/brittany, whatever you choose to call her.
We all know of the clit but you'd be surprised just how few really know our own pleasure stations. The clitoris is 3.5 to 5 inches long and 2.5 inches wide, crazy, right?! This means the visible tip of the clitoris is only the tip of the, uhum, iceberg.
The key to getting the pleasure we want is by knowing what we can and can't live without. We're all different and we all have our own fantasies and desires but one thing we know for sure is that it's incredibly difficult for any sexual partner to understand how and where to touch you, if you don't know yourself. Makes sense, right?
We can’t be more emphatic when we say that self-love or masturbation is 100% normal, healthy and beautiful. We want to encourage you to embrace it. Exploring yourself and understanding exactly what turns you on is incredibly empowering. It also has a heap of other benefits:
- When you know what pleases you, you are much more likely to have better sex with others
- Orgasm releases endorphins, aka the happy drug, which not only make you feel good but also help you get the beauty rest you nee
- Orgasms combat pre-menstrual tension. Doctors also say they relieve painful menstruation by increasing blood flow to the pelvic region, which will also reduce pelvic cramping
- You can have it anywhere at anytime. Hands up for self-sufficiency!
- Orgasms = stronger pelvic floor = stronger orgasm
SELF-LOVE TECHNIQUES BASED ON THE SEX PHASES
OK, so enough with the theory already! Here's some BAD* tips to help you get better acquainted with your pleasure zones based on the 4 sex phases: excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution
Feeling relaxed is a must so do whatever it takes to get in the Buddha-like zone. Maybe you want to take a bath? Put some tunes on? Light some candles? Lock your door? Step away from the cell phone. You don't want anyone or anything interrupting your special date with yourself.
Lay down or sit up, however you've decided you want to play this out. You want to begin to arouse yourself and this is the start of all the fun. Touch yourself all over, stroke, tickle, pinch, rub, exploring every part of your body. Use your hands or a feather tickler, get creative. Being in tune with your body and what feels good (not necessarily orgasmic but you know, good) is incredibly satisfying.
Dirty talk and dirty thoughts are oh so helpful. Use your imagination or any other tools to help excite you. Maybe you like erotic literature, or you like to imagine the hot tall, ex drug-dealing restaurateur taking you in the kitchen of his pizzeria...Dirty thoughts help you move through excitement and plateau.
Breathe, breathe, breathe! This is a massively important part of self-love and self care. Vary your breaths as you vary the strokes in which you're touching your body. Try short and fast, deep and long. Try to connect with your body and watch what it is that you find arousing.
Your body may experience any of the following in this sexy "excitement" phase: fast heart rate, accelerated breathing, flushed skin, erect nipples, vaginal lubrication.
There is no one size fits all when it comes to masturbation. You do whatever feels good. Many girls find it near impossible to orgasm without clitoral stimulation but some can orgasm with only vaginal penetration. Go figure.
Do you know what you like? That's the number one thing to master. Knowing what you like means you can ensure you have a great experience every time you have sex.
Do you like to lay on your back or your stomach? Do you like to use multiple fingers? Do you have a direction you like to rub your clit? Perhaps you like the up and down motion on your clit or use circular motions. Perhaps you like to use a vibrator on your g-spot and your clit? You can also try stimulating the base of the clitoris but placing a thumb and index finger on either side of the clitoris and squeezing the folds of the skin surrounding by pressing down and inwards.
If you're not sure or if you'd like to mix it up then experiment, experiment, experiment. Don't be afraid to try different things. I personally use my fingers and/or my favourite vibrators.
You'll notice the clit gets super sensitive here. It has 8,000 nerve endings which is more than the penis and so when it becomes highly aroused it can be pretty painful to touch, you'll probably find you want to court it by working around the clit.
During this "plateau" stage you may experience: intensification of all the things in the excitement phase; more swelling of the vulva; super sensitised clit (ouch, it can even be sore to touch!); you may also get some muscle spasms.
The second last phase is the "orgasm" phase. This is the fun part and in my view really does need to be achieved otherwise I find there is a lingering sense of dissatisfaction. But having said that there is no need to rush, everyone is different and will experience a different orgasm.
I always find it hard to "describe" an orgasm but it does feel to me like a great release of pressure. I can sometimes have fits of the giggles afterwards too. For some women it can be near unbearably intense, for others it's not so earth shattering.
While everyone experiences orgasms differently you're possibly going to feel any of the following: muscle contractions; blood pressure, heart rate, breathing are boosted; muscles of the vagina contract; upper thighs may quiver; a sex rash.
Cigarettes, whisky and sleep?
Whatever you do, the aim of BAD* Sex is to encourage you to broaden your experience, to have fun and embrace your sexual journey in a safe, sane and consensual way. If you would like to chat privately with me about this particular topic or you have any other questions about anything else, hit me up by clicking the button below. I will do my absolute best to help you with the knowledge and experience I have.
Need some inspiration to embrace your self-love antics? We bring you the following group of badass babes saving the world one clit at a time.
American artist Stephanie Sarley is famous for her fruit fingering videos which went viral on Insta in 2015.
The videos explore fetishism, sexuality and feminism.
Hysterical Literature is a video series. Watch Stoya, the gorgeous feminist and adult film actress read "Necrophilia Variations" by Supervert while being distracted with a vibrator.
Come join our private Facebook group!
I'm considering creating a Facebook group where all the BAD* Girls can support and empower each other by discussing everything sex, love and in between.