You should be having sex at least 4 times a week. You should be giving blow jobs regularly. You must let a guy cum on your face. You must shave all the hair off your pussy so you look like a prepubescent teenager…Heard any of this crap before? I bet you have and it is exactly that, a big fat load of crap.

I'm always amazed at the articles that have titles such as the one I've mockingly given this piece of writing. You know the ones that say "This is how much sex you should be having" and "This is what you should be doing in bed". They all have that loaded "should" in the title aimed at making you feel inferior if you're not currently mastering the outlined activities.

Sure, it's all very blatant sensationalism but what's worrying is that it can be hard to read these types of articles or hear these types of comments and not question your own activities, and well, life in general.

Last weekend I caught up with a friend, Ella. She recently moved to Europe to be close to her boyfriend who she's been with for just over a year. She was back in the hometown for a couple of weeks so we did what we do best and chat till our throats are raspy and there’s enough empty bottles of fizz to open up a champagne bowling alley.

Our discussion largely centred around sex (surprise surprise!). She was lamenting the difference in the sex drives between her and her new partner. He wants to have sex every day, a few times a day, but she doesn’t. This was no biggie to me; as much as I love sex, I do not have sex every day with my partner. I do not have fucking time to have sex with my partner every day and I don’t have the energy. And some days I actually want to go to bed with Emmanuelle and my vibrator and just fantasise away.

Anyway, it was what she said afterward that highlighted the problem we often face and choose to ignore. She said she felt pressured to have sex everyday. As a result she was having sex with him more often than she wanted and it was becoming a chore. A bit fat boring chore.

And that made me want to get my Oprah on. Sex becoming a chore is a bad and sad thing. Worse than that, nobody should ever feel pressured into having sex, no matter how solid or loving the relationship!

I feel that a lot of the time this pressure stems from what we think we should be doing but it's not a competition! You do not have to have sex every day or a certain number of times a week or try to beat your friends who apparently have so much amazing sex that they have to brag about it. We are fed so much stuff that just isn’t true and as a result we have a warped sense of what is real. We should only ever do what feels right for us. Screw everyone else.

Ella was really concerned about her situation and asked me what to do. I told her that as hard as it is, try not to compare yourself. Comparison is impossible in all manners of life.

Your sex life is exactly that, yours. If you have different desires then the only place to start is to talk about it with your partner. Find out first is the difference is a problem and if it is then come up with some solutions to try and fix it. 

But if you’re not comfortable with sitting down to talk about it, then take control and try scheduling in some sex dates. Arrange them for a night or nights in the week when you’ve decided you’d like to have sex.

Your partner will likely find this pretty awesome because you’re taking control and setting aside time and you'll likely find it gives you a sense of empowerment and creates anticipation and excitement. Personally, I get a real kick out of having fewer but longer and more intense play times than trying to fit in sex every other day and my partner enjoys them more too because the satisfaction is longer lasting. But don't take my word for it, just do it! ;)


Wanna chat?

Have any pressing questions about this or anything else you're dying to know? As always, hit me up and send me an email by clicking the button below. I will do my absolute best to help you with the knowledge and experience I have. 

Jasmin xx