TALK THE TALK
Before most every boudoir bounce time J and I enjoy, we enter into a conversation. It almost always starts with "so what shall we do?" We then enter into a discussion about the things we'll do and depending on our moods we'll go from there. How many orgasms do we want? Shall we use props? Who's going to be top or bottom? Anal? Maybe read erotica or watch porn together? Or shall we try something we've never done before? Pegging?
Now granted this negotiation and discussion may not sound like the romantic sweeping off feet throes of passion type sex you see in the movies but that kind of sex is crap anyway.
So why negotiate and discuss? Because every play time should be considered unique. I know that my desires for each sexual encounter vary. I'm super confident in asking for what I want but much like my moods and days and seasons, what I want changes regularly. If we did the same thing at every playtime it would be boring. So you discuss what it is you want and it should play out depending on how you're feeling and what you're into at that moment in time.
And here is an interesting anomaly for you. I get a lot of girls saying they are pretty confident in asking for what they want but the most requested desires for change of those who sign up to BAD* Sex is more open communication. Just because we're confident doesn't mean we know how to communicate, right?
Open communication is always going to be a little challenging because good communication requires the openness of another. So let's work on that.
First up, we need to know what it is that we want to communicate, then we need to identify what it is that is stopping us and then we can find the solution.
So here are 4 steps to open up communication. Remember, creating meaningful change happens with consistent small steps and it's always going to start with you.
- Identify your desire for wanting more open communication. What's missing? Do you want more orgasms? Do you feel dissatisfied? Do you want to mix things up? Do you want to have more intimacy? Do you want to have more fun? Do you want to feel closer to your partner? Right them all down and then pick the dominant one, grab a notepad and complete this sentence "I want more open communication because...
- Now identify your roadblock, what it is that's stopping you from having that open communication? Often our roadblocks are there unnecessarily, they are ideas in our minds that are founded on fear or mistruths. Do you feel your partner is not receptive to open communication? Are you embarrassed? Are you frightened? Are you afraid? Now write them all down and then as above, pick the strongest and complete this sentence... "Open communication is a challenge right now because..."
- Now map out what your sexual journey will look like when you have this open communication. Will it be more fun? More free? More authentic? More pleasurable? What desire will you have attained? Once again, pick the strongest motivation and write it down. "Creating a relationship with more open communication will..."
- The last bit is the fun bit. Decide how you're going to start opening the communication. It could be a simple as asking "so what are you into?" or "what do you want to try?" or "should we try .... tonight?" Or you could choose to leave actual sex out of it and simply have a bath together or a nice dinner and discuss your desires then. The key is to remember the roadblock that you identified and to move it. You can acknowledge it's there but you also need to jump over it or walk around it, don't let it stop you dead in your tracks. Any decent partner already wants to please you and they will take pleasure in you vocalising what it is that you want.
OK, so here's an example of how the answers to these questions may look:
I want more open communication so that we can have more fun together and inject some much needed spontaneity into our long-term relationship. Open communication has been a challenge lately because J has been stressed at work and has had other things he's been focusing on and as a result I've been afraid of bringing up yet another thing he has to work on. However, achieving more open communication will allow us to reinvigorate our relationship and bring us closer together at a difficult time. I'm going to send J a text and tell him I'd like to get kinky tonight and ask him if he'd like me to blindfold him and give him a massage.
If you feel comfortable, show this to your partner. If you don't feel comfortable showing it just yet then use it as your motivation to create change in your relationship. And remember, consistency is key. If you don't have success the first time you try to open the conversation, don't be disheartened, try again. Continue to ask these questions and refine your ideas of what open communication means to your relationship.
I can't be more emphatic when I say great sex and great relationships are founded on good, open communication. It can be tricky to speak up and to ask for what we want but remember you deserve to live this life to the absolute max. Every day strive to be happy and fulfilled. Be brave and honest and if anyone tells you to shut up then tell them to fuck off.
OK so opening up communication can be crazy difficult. In some of my previous relationships my partners would near refuse to talk me about our issues and I've now had a good 8 years of great open communication with my current partner. I've learnt a lot about building my own confidence and recognising ways of opening up the dialogue. So as always, if you would like to chat privately with me about this hit me up and send me an email by clicking the button below. I will do my absolute best to help you with the knowledge and experience I have.