Sometimes I just can't be fucked being fucked. Excuse the language but I thought I'd just get right to the point. All I want to do some nights is sit on my butt, watch a spy thriller, sip on some gin and eat snacks that are gonna do no favours to my thighs when summer blooms.
But here's the sucky thing. Intimacy, like most other things in our lives, needs nurturing. It needs attention. So what do we do when we don't have the desire or the time to roll around in the sheets for an hour.
We reminisce. We turn back the clocks and borrow off an old favourite (or in my case, something that used to terrify me!) It involved a dark cupboard, 7 minutes and lots of fumbling and anticipation.
I know "mindful intimacy" might sound boring but it's actually pretty cool and because I have too much time on my hands I decided to lean on one of my favourite childhood authors and turn a mindful intimacy activity into a quick Dr Seuss inspired poem for you (like I said, too much time or maybe too much gin???)
And to the great, late Dr Seuss, I apologise if the use of profanities in this verse make you turn in your grave but I'm pretty sure you had your wicked side too.
Oh Mindful Intimacy!
Find somewhere quiet a place you won’t be disturbed
like a cupboard or a bedroom or somewhere absurd
Grab your iPhone. Excuse me? An iPhone you said?
Surely that's not approved, perhaps use the sun instead?
It doesn’t have to be an iPhone, please let me clarify
It only needs a timer for 7 minutes, just give it a try
You don't have to strip you can start fully clothed
Just calm the fuck down and take a deep breath through your nose
If you’re new to mindfulness just take it slow
Have fun, shed the nerves because this ain’t a show
Face your partner and close your eyes
Hold their hands but don’t touch their thighs
Focus on your breathing and the feel of their skin
You can have dirty thoughts baby, just don’t give in
You may feel awkward uncomfortable or dumb
But I can’t stress enough this is meant to be fun
It can be strange if you’re not ripping off clothes
But trust me on this one, surely Kabat-Zinn knows
Your thoughts will wander they’ll scurry and ebb
It’s totally normal, yes normal’s what I said
Just bring your attention back to their skin
And try not to think about emptying the bin
Spend some more minutes focusing on touch
Then move to their heartbeat, excuse me, what the fuck?
Imagine it pumping, swirling and heaving
Enabling them to give good head, the thing that keeps them breathing
Connect connect connection’s the game
Keep connecting and connecting until the timer sounds its name
Open your eyes slowly and look into your partner’s eyes
Sounds corny I know but you may be surprised
What’s standing in front of you has always been there
The person you love laid completely bare
So how did I go? I’m no Dr Seuss I know but that was fun :)
Rhymes aside, this exercise is all about connection. It’s a quick 7 minutes of focusing on breathing and the touch of your partner without getting kinky. When we’re intimate we often rush to the finish line but this exercise forces us try to connect on a deeper level without any hanky panky.
Don’t be surprised if it makes you feel uncomfortable at first because it’s highly likely that it will. You may find it’s a heavy silence you’ll want to fill but please try not to.
If you find standing, fully clothed holding your partner’s hand off putting, you can try this laying down or even without clothes on. Oh and once that 7 minutes is up don’t be afraid to fuck your partner’s brains out.
Love ya x