BDSM. Where to start?! Books and movies have been made about BDSM, some good, some bad, some misguided while others show a true representation of the transcendental effects that BDSM can shower on a willing participant. Like most areas of the erotic realm, BDSM has its extreme play, its lighter play and all things in between. For many, it pushes sexual limits and takes them outside of their comfort zones in the quest of pleasure. Done correctly and with informed partners, it can be a thoroughly enjoyable and unparalleled experience. As with anything new it’s key to take your time, start slow and soft and with an open mind. There are many beautiful experiences to be had by taking a softly, softly approach.
This basics guide is for the novice and will be cut into parts. This first part is to simply lay out the lingo and the key principles of Safe, Sane, Consensual play. In the parts to follow, we’ll delve into the practical. How to set up a scene, how to begin your journey with role play, spanking, whipping, bondage and temperature play. We’ll also give you a thorough list and negotiation form so you can consider your desires in depth.
Know the lingo
BDSM is an umbrella term used to describe a smorgasbord of erotic delights, some of which you may have already used in your play time, even though you may not have referred to it as BDSM at the time. Some activities are related to restraint, some pain, some discipline, and all to pleasure. But let’s just get the definitions out of the way, shall we?
The acronym stands for:
Bondage and discipline (B&D, B/D)
Dominance and submission (D&S, D/S)
Sadomasochism (SM, S/M or S&M)
There are some other key terms you’re likely to hear thrown in with these:
Scene - the most common references are “the scene”, as in the BDSM community or “a scene”, which is simply when you act out your chosen BDSM activities.
Sadist – a person who is turned on by delivering pain
Masochist – gets hot over receiving pain
Dominant (Dom, Domme) – accepts control over the submissive
Submissive (sub) – surrenders control to the dominant
Top – a slang term for a dominant and/or sadist
Bottom – slang term for a submissive and/or masochist
Switch – someone who plays both roles of dominant and submissive
“If anything is sacred, the human body is sacred”
Safe, sane, consensual
Consent, communication and safety are paramount to any BDSM play. BDSM at its core (regardless of which activities you choose) is an erotic act between two consenting adults.
Consent
It should go without saying but let’s say it anyway, any sexual activity whether it’s BDSM or not, must be consensual, in that you give your play partner permission for certain activities and events to occur within a BDSM scene. Consent may be verbal or it may written. Remember, you should never be pressured into being involved in any BDSM play that you are not comfortable with and even if you’ve consented to play, you can always change your mind.
Know your limits
It’s very important to discuss what is acceptable and what is off limits with your partner. Some complete formal checklists, for others a clear and thorough discussion can be enough. If it is a discussion be sure to spend time clearly deciding who will do what, within what limits and for how long. Discuss what you’re happy to try and what you know you’ll want to avoid. As you explore, your limits will likely change over time, this is why it’s necessary to have a conversation before each play session.
Negotiation seems to be sometimes painted with the same negative brush that “scheduling sex” seems to be. An idea that discussion and communication will take the zsa zsa zsu out of the experience. This is simply not true, there’s no buzz killer worse than getting all hot and steamy and having to abruptly stop play because your partner is trying to stick something up your butt while you’re tied up with rope at the elbows.
There are two types of limits - hard and soft.Hard limits are those things that you will never want to do under any circumstances. Soft limits, on the other hand, are things you wouldn’t normally do but you’re willing to try in a play scenario.
Safe words
Safe words are used when you want a scene to ease up or stop completely. Many find that having two safe words is a good idea, the words “yellow” (ease up) and “red” (stop immediately) are often used. If you’re using gags or something that stops you from speaking you can find non-verbal ways to communicate including squeezing a hand or moving a certain number of fingers to signal. Make sure you go over these before you play.
Checking in
Communication is king in kink. Engaging in BDSM play will push your sexual limits so it’s imperative that there’s an open communication between play partners. Regardless of whether you’ve assumed the role of Dom/Top or sub/bottom, you should always speak up if you feel uncomfortable and particularly if you feel that you’re in danger.
“Don’t do anything blatantly unsafe; don’t try anything that’s likely to get you killed or injured if you screw up, and don’t do something if you aren’t sure how. Be reasonable and rational. Know the difference between fantasy and reality. Make sure you’re both into it before you do it. Do that, and you’ll probably be okay. It’s like anything else; exploring an interest in fine cuisine doesn’t mean you have to like fish eggs! ”
THE D/S DYNAMIC
Dominance and submission is the key ingredient to most BDSM play. It’s essentially a power exchange between two consenting adults. For the submissive, it’s about letting go and giving up power to a trusting and respectful dominant. On the other hand, the dominant gets to hold all the power and control the experience. A dominant has a tricky task in that they must fine that perfect line between what excites the sub while still commanding control. It’s important to remember though that the submissive is allowing the Dominant to take control, to own the power. It must be consensual. Always.
A good BDSM relationship is all about the submissive. The submissive is the one that sets the limits, that determines for how long a session will last. The sub is also the one who has the power to stop a scene at any time. It’s the Dominants responsibility to be in tune with the submissive.
The novice play
There are three types of novice and each requires a different method for finding their way through their BDSM journey. it’s helpful to identify in which of these categories you fall.
A date with a Master
The first is one that seeks a professional BDSM Master. There are many skilled BDSM professionals throughout the world who specialise in an erray of erotic activities. The advantage of seeking out a professional is the ability to learn and feel secure in the hands of an experienced Dom. If you’re seeking a professional, you may wish to refer to the end of this guide where we’ve outlined some of the ways you can connect with the BDSM community. We also suggest that you email us directly and we will give you a list of professional services available in your area.
An intrepid partnership
The second is a novice who has a willing play partner who has expressed a desire to incorporate BDSM play into their relationship. Here we assume you’ve had the conversation about BDSM, you may have already discussed in some detail the types of erotic play you’d like to try. The idea of two novices delving into BDSM may seem a little daunting but some very simple activities can get you started and we’ll go into detail about these activities in the folliow-up parts of this guide.
One curious half
This is perhaps one of the more challenging situations that you may find yourself in. For example, you are in a new or long-term relationship and you’ve decided that you would like to try BDSM but you’re yet to open this discussion and possibly, you’re not quite sure how to go about that. It can be very difficult expressing desires that may not fit into your usual erotic menu or if you’ve just met someone, you may be worried about their reaction to your pain & pleasure desires.
There are a few simple things you can try without having to blurt out “baby, will you tie me up?” Start with some subtle erotic techniques during your play to help determine your partner’s interest. For example, you could try light scratching, light biting, you may even run a silk scarf across their body and ask if they would like you to gently blindfold them while you kiss them or massage them. It’s also probably key to remember that while BDSM has often been cast under a dark shadow, the simple act of restraint can be all at once incredibly erotic and loving with the right person.
A novice’s lesson - to give & receive
Depending on what activity or toys or tools you decide to bring into your erotic play, it’s incredibly beneficial for novices to both give and receive. You may consider yourself a natural submissive or Dom but having an understanding of the sensations delivered is crucial. You may have a desire to spank your partner but you will be all the more wiser if you know what it feels like to be spanked in certain places of the body (we’ll go through all the Spanking details in our follow-ups to this overview).
Remember that this is a journey of discovery that is meant to heighten your erotic experience. If something isn’t right then it is not for you. Go slowly and gradually and communicate to your partner what it is you desire.
A SMORGASBORD OF DELIGHTS
There are so many different ways of exploring BDSM and every couple will determine through discussion and negotiation what each scene will look like. Scenes will vary and as we’ve mentioned, we’ll give you practical tips for delving into numerous activities in the follow-up posts but here are some of the activities you may explore under the BDSM banner:
Anal play
Bondage
Caning
Clamping
Cuffing
Erotic torture
Flagellation/whipping
Golden shower
Humiliation
Nipple play
Paddling
Role play
Spanking
Temperature play
Delving deeper
Should you wish to go it alone and further your studies, here’s a small list of resources you can sift through (we’ll update this regularly) :
Find a munch
A munch is a casual social gathering for people involved in or interested in BDSM. You can find a Munch in your area by searching the website - http://findamunch.com
Join Fetlife
It’s a jungle out there but Fetlife.com has long been considered the social network for kink. It works like other social networks in that you create a profile and filter your desires. It also has a huge list of groups you can join. Fetlife is filled with a vast range of savoury characters but also some unsavoury folk so be warned, do your homework and screen very carefully.
Buy a book
There are many books written on the subject of BDSM. We recommend the following as perfect starting points to further your kink journey:
The Boudoir Bible by Betony Vernon
Screw the Roses, send me the Thorns by Phillip Miller and Molly Devon
The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy
The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy
Watch a Film
Secretary (2002)
Belle de Jour (1967)
An Appointment with my Master (Erika Lust erotica)
Latex Sessions (Erika Lust erotica)
Sift through a site
There are numerous websites filled with info about BDSM:
BDSM 101 - a great little intro to BDSM
Kinkly - straight up sex talk with a twist
Twisted Monk - this company is best known for its range of rope but they also have a lot of resources for those interested in bondage.
Listen to a Podcast
Graydancer's Ropecast is the longest-running kinky sex podcaster on the web. it's been running for 12 years. Graydancer's podcast focuses on "Kink, Sex, and Culture".
Attend a party
A simple search query into Google such as “BDSM events in my area” should result in all the BDSM activity around you. You can also find your local events by searching Fetlife and through the Munch site.
Send us an email
We are more than happy to guide you in any way we can. We have a number of contacts within the BDSM community so please reach out to us and we will endeavour to help (all correspondence is strictly confidential, of course!). Perhaps you have a specific question you’d like answered or perhaps you’d like a recommendation for an event of reputable Master. We’re here and happy to help you get your kink on! Send us an email now.
** Our next installment of our basics guide will detail how to prepare yourself for your first BDSM session **
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