BDSM Basics
BDSM Basics
BDSM. Where to start?! Books and movies have been made about BDSM, some good, some bad, and some misguided. In contrast, others accurately represent the transcendental effects BDSM can shower on a willing participant.
Like most areas of the erotic realm, BDSM has its extreme play, its lighter play and all things in between. For many, it pushes sexual limits and takes people outside of their comfort zones to seek pleasure. It can be a thoroughly enjoyable and unparalleled experience if done correctly and with informed partners.
As with anything new, it’s vital to take your time and start slow and soft and with an open mind. There are many beautiful experiences to be had by taking a softly, softly approach.
This introductory guide is for the novice and lays out the lingo and the key principles of Safe, Sane, and Consensual play.
Know The Lingo
BDSM is an umbrella term to describe a smorgasbord of erotic delights (or kinks). A kink is any sexual behaviour that mainstream society considers “unusual”. There’s a lengthy list of kinks, but spanking, role play and bondage are classic kink examples.
Some activities are related to restraint, some to pain, some to discipline, and all to pleasure. But let’s get the definitions out of the way, shall we?
The acronym stands for:
Bondage and discipline (B&D, B/D)
Dominance and submission (D&s, D/s)
Sadomasochism (SM, S/M or S&M)
There are some other key terms you’re likely to hear thrown in with these:
Scene - the most common references are “the scene”, as in the BDSM community or “a scene”, when you act out your chosen BDSM activities.
Sadist – a person who is turned on by delivering pain
Masochist – gets hot over receiving pain
Dominant (Dom, Domme) – accepts control over the submissive
submissive (sub) – surrenders control to the dominant
Top – a slang term for a dominant and/or sadist
Bottom – slang term for a submissive and/or masochist
Switch – someone who plays both roles of dominant and submissive
“If anything is sacred, the human body is sacred”
Guiding Principles: Negotiation, Play And Aftercare
Consent, communication and safety are paramount to any BDSM play. BDSM, at its core (regardless of which activities you choose), is an erotic act between two consenting adults, and it follows a structure of negotiation, play and aftercare.
Consent And Negotiation
It should go without saying but let’s say it anyway, any sexual activity, whether it’s BDSM or not, must be consensual, in that you give your play partner permission for certain activities and events to occur within a BDSM scene. Consent may be verbal, or it may be written. Remember, you should never be pressured into being involved in any BDSM play that you are not comfortable with, and even if you’ve consented to play, you can always change your mind.
Soft And Hard Limits
As tricky as it may be, discussing boundaries is crucial because when it comes to BDSM, playing within your limits creates safety and trust so you can get the most out of your experience.
Our limits fall on a spectrum. There are your soft limits–stuff you’re not that into, but you’d be willing to try– and hard limits, which will never be on the table and are not up for discussion!
For example, a soft limit for you may be anal sex, and a hard limit might be having a ball gag in your mouth or having an instrument run across your skin, such as a Warternberg pinwheel.
You may find the thought of broaching the topic of limits with a lover uncomfortable but think of it as a necessary way to stay safe and comfortable and to get the most out of your experience because unless you’ve been clear about your boundaries, you can’t assume a lover will know.
You want to ensure you discuss what is acceptable and off-limits with your partner before you play. You want to avoid getting into a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Some like to complete a checklist; for others, a clear and thorough discussion can be enough. If it is a discussion, be sure to spend time clearly deciding who will do what, within what limits and for how long. Discuss what you’re happy to try and what you know you’ll want to avoid.
Your limits will likely change over time as you explore, so you must have a conversation before each play session.
Negotiation seems to be sometimes painted with the same negative brush that scheduling sex seems to be. An idea is that discussion and communication will take the zsa zsa zsu out of the experience. This is not true; there’s no buzz killer worse than getting all hot and steamy and abruptly stopping play because your partner is trying to stick something up your butt while you’re tied up with rope at the elbows.
Also, don’t forget to talk about what kinds of names you’d like to be called and what you never want to hear come out of your play partner’s mouth!
And not all scenes end or involve sex, so when negotiating, remember to be clear about what role sex will play.
24/7 submissive, Lina Dune, talks about limits in our book sub / mission:
For example, let’s say being restrained makes you anxious but you think you might enjoy being gagged to relieve the pressure of having to talk during sex. With this in mind, being restrained would be on your “no” list, whereas ball gags would be on your “yes” list.
As you begin to define what works for you and what doesn’t, this list will give you and your partner a natural way into discussing the finer points of why you like what you like.
Further, identifying your yeses and nos gives you an opportunity to redefine sex for yourself from the ground up and consciously build the sex life you want to have.
And remember: boundaries are a good thing, and we need them to thrive. It’s ok not to be into certain things. Your sexual validity doesn’t rest on your ability to do everything. The things you like (and the things you don’t) are what make you unique, so anybody who asks you to compromise on your limits is not only unsafe to play with but is clearly missing the big picture of how special you are.
Some examples of what negotiation might look like:
“ I would like to have my hands restrained, but I’m uncomfortable with a gag in my mouth”.
“I’d like to try spanking but only with your hands, not with a paddle or whip”
“ You can put your finger in my butt but I don’t feel comfortable being penetrated in the butt with anything else”
You may find it a little challenging at first to come up with different scenarios, or you may not necessarily know what you’re interested in; this is why we stress that you start off slowly and softly with your exploration. Just try one thing. If you need help coming up with one thing, grab our free Yes/No/Maybe play list, if you head here. it’s a simple document that will help you and your partner/s think about the kinds of activities you’re interested in.
“Don’t do anything blatantly unsafe; don’t try anything that’s likely to get you killed or injured if you screw up, and don’t do something if you aren’t sure how. Be reasonable and rational. Know the difference between fantasy and reality.”
During Play
Safe Words
Safe words are used when you want a scene to ease up or stop completely. Many find that having two safe words is a good idea; the words “yellow” (ease up) and “red” (stop immediately) are often used.
If you’re using gags or something that stops you from speaking, you can find non-verbal ways to communicate, including squeezing a hand or moving a certain number of fingers to signal. I know, I know, we’re starting to sound like a broken record but make sure you go over these before you play.
Here’s some further explanation on safe words, taken directly from our book sub / mission:
Once you and your potential partner have discussed your interests and limits and have gone over what might happen when you play together, it’s scene time. We use the word “scene” because it has a beginning, middle, and end and everyone’s roles are clearly defined.
Scenes may include sex or just be focused on role play or sensation play—or all of the above. Scenes are not exclusively defined by the acts that occur within them, but instead by the active consent and safe words that give all players involved a system to self-advocate and check in on each other.
Even when limits have been defined, things can still come up during play that may cause you to need to step back or take a break. That’s where safe words come in. In a lot of popular culture, safe words are portrayed as silly words you yell out to disrupt the mood (like “platypus!”), but in formal BDSM we prefer the words “yellow” and “red.” Yellow means “slow down and check on me” and red means “stop everything right now and transition into aftercare.” The point of using neutral words like this is to stop the emotional reaction that may come about when hearing the word “no” or “stop.” Since “yellow” and “red” are only used in scene, they can stand free of context and only signal what’s needed in the moment.
Checking In
Communication is king in kink. In fact, communication is king in all relationships. Engaging in BDSM play may push your sexual limits, so there must be open communication between play partners.
A Dom/me should check in to ensure the sub is comfortable and enjoying the experience. In turn, the sub should respond truthfully and be specific.
Regardless of whether you’ve assumed the role of Dom/Top or sub/bottom, you should always speak up if you feel uncomfortable, particularly if you’re in danger.
These are the types of things you should expect to hear from a Dom/me:
“Are you ok?”
“Do you remember your safe words?”
“How does this feel?”
Try to be specific when you respond so the person you’re playing with can understand how you are experiencing the scene.
Sometimes we can feel like we need to say, “Oh, I’m fine”, even if we’re feeling a bit uncomfortable, but please remember that this is not helpful for you or the person you’re playing with. Be expressive and truthful in your response.
Aftercare
BDSM scenes always end in aftercare.
Aftercare is a time for partners to wind down and feel secure and comfortable.
Our sexual experiences (whether engaging in BDSM or not) can bring up all kinds of emotions. For example, you may have body issues, feel awkward or disappointed or have feelings of shame, or feel energised and blissful and need a comedown after a release of physical sensations.
And whether it’s your first BDSM experience or your 90th, shit still comes up. We are human beings.
Even people who aren’t practising BDSM activities still enjoy aftercare. In fact, we’ve written about why aftercare is great for all your intimate moments.
It’s a time to feel safety and closeness as if you’re wrapped in an oversized, emotionally supportive jumper.
And there are some key ingredients to this post-coital closeness:
1) It’s intentional, so set aside time for it;
2) it’s vocal, which means you ask each other how you are feeling,
3) It needs to be discussed before play.
Other than that, it’s up to you what form it takes. It may be that you want to hug it out, dig into a bucket of ice cream, or put on your favourite tunes and have a lil’ dance party.
You may have heard of ‘sub drop’. During play, you can get a rush of adrenaline and endorphins, and when play stops, you can experience a comedown.
It may not happen immediately; for some, it can take a day or two. Dom/mes can also experience this (it’s called Top Drop) for different reasons. Aftercare helps to nurture and address feelings of shame.
Aftercare is just as crucial for experiences with a new lover as it is for lovers who have seen the years together. And remember, it’s never too late to introduce it into your sexual experiences.
If you were to skim this BDSM basics guide, you might notice that the words “before play” pop out more than others. We need to emphasise this because when you consensually give up control to a respected play partner, you are trusting them. And you must create boundaries and limits and safety nets that ensure you have a safe and enjoyable experience. This is best done by discussing how the experience (or the scene, if you like) will play out from start to our aftercare finish, and beyond that, before you engage in any kind of play. You may find you experience a range of emotions in the days and even weeks after playing. That is ok. How we process our emotions and our feelings is up to the individual and it must be respected. Give yourself space to feel what you need to feel.
“Your aftercare needs are defined only by what your nervous system is calling out for on a given day, and making a practice of listening to your body in this way is just another of the unexpected healing benefits of risk-aware kink practice.”
THE D/s DYNAMIC
Dominance and submission is the key ingredient to most BDSM play. It’s essentially a power exchange between two consenting adults. For the submissive, it’s about letting go and giving up power to a trusting and respectful dominant.
A good BDSM relationship is one built on trust, respect and consent.
Lina Dune who is a 24/7 submissive, further explains the role of power dynamics in our book sub / mission:
Many who wish to play with sexual submissiveness can find themselves so hung up on the apparent flow of power in D/s that they never get deep enough to discover how fluid power really can be in these dynamics.
Sure, the Dominant may be directing the flow of activities in many cases, but whose consent is making that possible? The sub’s! Nothing happens that the sub doesn’t approve of, which is why we in the community cherish the saying “you can’t give away power you don’t have.”
Because submission is predicated on the ability to willingly, joyfully, consensually give away power, by definition, the sub shares in, and in a way directs, the flow of power in every scene.
That is to say, subs are not zombies mindlessly following the Dominant’s lead. If they plopped down and said “no,” everything would come to a halt.
So in most D/s scenes, the sub takes great pleasure and a sense of agency in their conscious decision to temporarily let go.
A good Dom/me finds the balance between what excites the sub while still commanding control. It’s important to remember though, that the submissive is allowing the Dom/me to take control, to own the power. It must be consensual. Always.
The sub can stop a scene at any time. It’s the Dom/me’s responsibility to be in tune with the submissive and to respect the submissive’s boundaries.
If you come across a Dom/me, who does not negotiate or is unwilling to discuss boundaries or limits or challenges and pushes a sub on their limits, run for the hills!
Where are you at?
Playing At Home
Perhaps you and your partner have decided you want to add some BDSM spice to your regular boudoir routine. If so, good for you! There’s plenty of things you can do at home but perhaps you’re curious and don’t know where to start.
If this is you, you can download our free Yes/No/Maybe play list. You can fill it out with your partner, and it will help you open up the conversation about trying new things. Remember, you and your partner are responsible for your safety. Don’t do anything that is unsafe and don’t ever feel pressured into doing something you don’t want to do. All sex play must be consensual and that, my friends, is non-negotiable.
But, you may find yourself in other scenarios when it comes to introducing BDSM play in your relationship.
One curious half
This is perhaps one of the more challenging situations you may find yourself in. For example, you are in a new or long-term relationship, and you’ve decided that you would like to try BDSM, but you’re yet to open this discussion, and possibly, you’re not quite sure how to go about that.
Many of us have kinks, and sharing your kinks with a supportive sexual partner is important, and acting them out is a lot of fun.
If you haven’t shared your kinks but want to dip your toes in, you must identify them first. It sounds old school, but again, our play list will help you define what you’re into.
As always, communication is key so you’ll then want to discuss them with your partner. Afraid to go there? Start slowly by engaging in a little dirty talk or role play. Or you could ask if they would like to blindfold you and give you a massage? Start lightly and slowly.
It’s also probably key to remember that while BDSM has often been cast under a dark shadow, the simple act of restraint can be all at once incredibly erotic and loving with the right person.
A newbie’s lesson - to give & receive
Depending on what activity or toys or tools you decide to bring into your erotic play, it’s incredibly beneficial for newbies to both give and receive. You may consider yourself a natural submissive or Dom but having an understanding of the sensations delivered is crucial in BDSM play.
You may have a desire to spank your partner but you will be all the more wiser if you know what it feels like to be spanked in certain places of the body.
Remember that this is a journey of discovery that is meant to heighten your erotic experience. If something isn’t right then it is not for you. Go slowly and gradually and communicate to your partner what it is you desire.
Hiring A Professional
If you don’t have a partner and you’re really interested in being a sub or learning how to be a Dom/me, you can see out a professional Domme or Dominatrix.
There are many skilled BDSM professionals throughout the world who specialise in an array of kinks. The advantage of seeking out a professional is the ability to learn and feel secure in the hands of an experienced Dom/me.
If you’re seeking a professional, you may wish to refer to the end of this guide, where we’ve outlined some of the ways you can connect with the BDSM community. As with anything, do your research. Make sure you know what you’re getting into.
A SMORGASBORD OF DELIGHTS
There are so many different ways of exploring BDSM and all play partners will determine through discussion and negotiation what each scene will look like. Scenes will vary and as we’ve mentioned, we’ll give you practical tips for delving into numerous activities in the follow-up posts but here are some of the activities you may explore under the BDSM banner:
Anal play
Bondage
Caning
Clamping
Cuffing
Erotic torture
Flagellation/whipping
Golden shower
Humiliation
Nipple play
Paddling
Delving deeper
Have you ever wondered about the life of a submissive? Or, maybe you are a sub and want to feel a sense of belonging and validation. We created this book with the internet’s BDSM ‘It’ girl and 24/7 sub, Lina Dune. This book is for you, whether you're a newbie or a seasoned sub. Available exclusively from House of Theodora. Shop it below.
Have you ever wondered about the life of a submissive? Or, maybe you are a sub and want to feel a sense of belonging and validation. Whether you're a newbie or a seasoned sub, this book is for you.
The wildly popular, Lina Dune from Ask A Sub, and House of Theodora, welcomes you into the world of submission, with our first collaborative book project.
The book we’ve created is a celebration of submission. It not only has a short basic guide and an interview with Lina, but it also features a mix of poetry and prose by sixteen submissives, who explore what it means to be a sub from a range of wonderfully different perspectives.
There are short, lyrical poems that capture the bliss of a bruised body, carefully crafted recollections of a newbie’s journey; and love letters exchanged between a Dom and his sub, to name a few.
Jump online
It’s a jungle out there with many apps and websites claiming they are THE place for BDSM, however, as with anything, many apps are websites have those that are genuine and those that call themselves Dom/mes but don’t know the first thing about being a good Dom/me. Go in with curiosity, an open mind but also with enough knowledge in your arsenal that you can spot the red flags. And if in doubt, always seek advice from those experienced.
Here are a couple of vetted places to start:
askasub on patreon. Our girl, Lina Dune offers up advice and a Discord channel on Patreon so you can learn all about mindful BDSM, and meet like-minded people. Lina is unapologetically straight up and smell the fake Dom/mes from miles away. Don’t forget to also grab Lina’s only BDSM book here, which includes a guide and true accounts from submissives all over the world. We got over 120 submissions for inclusion and chose only a handful.
Fetlife - long considered the OG social network for kink, which means it’s large and has plenty of groups and users. Fetlife is filled with a vast range of savoury characters but also some unsavoury folk so be warned, do your homework and screen very carefully.
Feeld - not specifically for kink but for open-minded people and newbies interested in kink as well as poly and ethical non-monogamy. Once again, beware of Dom/mes claiming to be experienced. I can not stress this enough.
Attend An Event
A simple search query into Google such as “BDSM events in my area” should result in all the BDSM activity around you. You can also find your local events by searching Fetlife and through the Munch site.
In my experience, the BDSM community is welcoming and helpful for those interested but unsure of where to start or who to turn to. As with anything outside your comfort zone, research and watch for red flags and find experienced people in the community who can guide you.